Rinse and Repeat
by fengbi
Summary: The first time Byleth conceives a child, she miscarries. Then it happens again. And again. And again. And again. Despite these challenges, Dimitri remains the world's most supportive husband who only wants the best for his beloved.


Pregnancy, for Byleth, was surprisingly difficult and her lack of a child increasingly began to weigh on her.

Byleth and Dimitri were completely blindsided by her first pregnancy, only finding out about the child after Byleth had fainted in the gardens while on a walk with a visiting Flayn. Dimitri had been completely beside himself when he'd heard the news, storming out of a meeting with some of the Dukes from the former Leicester Alliance. (Luckily, Dedue was able to smooth over the remainder of the meeting using the very detailed notes Dimitri had left behind in his haste.) He made a beeline for the infirmary, breaking three doors and a bannister in the process, only to find Byleth awake and well. She was sitting up in bed, laughing at a story Mercedes had been telling her, when Dimitri barged into the room.

"Oh Dimitri! We were wondering when you'd show up!" Mercedes greeted cheerfully.

Dimitri paid Mercedes no mind as he went directly to Byleth's bed and knelt at her side. His face was lined with deep concern. "My beloved, are you well? I was just informed of your fainting spell in the gardens. Have you eaten today? Did you drink enough water? Was the sun too much for you?"

Byleth beamed, unworried about Dimitri's numerous concerns. Showing her emotions was still not something that came naturally to her, but it was easy to share her feelings with Dimitri. "No, nothing of the sort, darling. We are fine," Byleth said, taking Dimitri's hands into hers. "Just a dizzy spell."

"We?" Dimitri repeated, confused.

Mercedes clapped her hands together. "Yes! Congratulations on expecting your first child!"

"A child?" Dimitri repeated again, a smile slowly spreading across his lips. "Our child?"

"Yes, darling, I am with child." Byleth squeezed Dimitri's hands.

Dimitri raised Byleth's hands to his lips, laying a soft kiss on the back of each hand. "You are with our child! Our heir! The product of our love! How far along are you?"

"Three moons. It would seem that the stomach flu I had last moon was not a stomach flu after all." Byleth released one of Dimitri's hands so that she could bury her fingers in his hair and pull him in closer.

Mercedes quietly stepped out of the room then, knowing Byleth and Dimitri needed some time to relish in their joy. Mercedes would just return later to give them instructions on how to proceed and with more information of what to expect from pregnancy. In the meantime, she closed the broken door as best she could to give Byleth and Dimitri their privacy.

A moon later, Byleth was back in the infirmary.

Instead of tears of joy, Dimitri cried tears of sorrow as he watched Byleth curl up on the infirmary bed. Her arms wrapped around her midsection where her dead child was slowly and painfully expelling itself from her body. He could do nothing but watch and hold Byleth as she endured painful cramp after cramp for two days. He could do nothing but watch as Mercedes periodically removed cloth stained with blood clots and fetal tissue from Byleth, grimacing as he was watching Mercedes literally taking away the remnants of their baby.

Throughout her miscarriage, Byleth shed nearly no tears until the very end as a particularly painful cramp caused her to cry out and she only openly grieved her lost child for a day.

That day, Dimitri would bury the bloody remains of their child in the garden as Byleth watched from her chair. She had lost too much blood during the miscarriage and wasn't quite strong enough to help Dimitri yet. Later, she and Dedue did plant new flowers around the little stone that read "Baby Blaiddyd".

As they soon discovered, becoming pregnant was not an issue. Within the next year, Byleth had conceived four more times. With each subsequent pregnancy, she had grown increasingly desperate and increasingly cautious about her actions so as to avoid the pain of her first pregnancy. But at the end of the year, after her meticulous planning and careful contemplation over her each and every action, she still had no child to show for it.

The second miscarriage had happened very early on, just three weeks into her pregnancy. Neither Byleth nor Dimitri cried over this child as they hadn't known about this child's presence until it was gone. Yet, Dimitri could see how the loss of another child weighed on Byleth as she spoke, ate, and trained less afterwards. But again, he could do little but hold her and love her as he promised they would try again.

The second child had no remains, but Dimitri still placed another small stone in their garden a short distance from the first. This stone read "Baby Blaiddyd #2". Dedue and Byleth planted yet more flowers.

The third pregnancy wasn't a miscarriage, exactly, but Mercedes was forced to remove the child to preserve Byleth's life as it was an ectopic pregnancy. At first, Byleth and Dimitri were cautiously optimistic and saw Byleth's lack of morning sickness as a good omen. But, in the third moon of the pregnancy, Mercedes called for both Byleth and Dimitri. Byleth didn't shed any tears as Mercedes explained how there was no choice but to terminate the pregnancy, but there was no hiding the wateriness of Byleth's gaze as she stared blankly at the wall behind Mercedes. Dimitri had insisted on staying in the room for the entire procedure so that Byleth would not be alone. Byleth said nothing, but her numbing grip on Dimitri's hands told him how grateful she was for his presence.

Once again, there were no remains so Dimitri set up another small stone for "Baby Blaiddyd #3".

Byleth didn't help Dedue plant the flowers for this child, but she did select the seeds for Dedue to use.

The fourth pregnancy was the worst. It began with extreme morning sickness. In the early moons, Byleth lost so much weight that her already lean physique was beginning to appear emaciated. Even as her child expanded her abdomen, Byleth was losing weight alarmingly quickly. Without knowing otherwise, it would not appear as if Byleth was with child at all and this persisted well into the fifth moon. Byleth was unable to leave her room much, lacking both the energy and willpower to do so, nevermind attend to her duties as Archbishop or Queen. Fortunately, having already heard of her earlier pregnancy struggles, Seteth took on most of the Archbishop's duties from Garreg Mach so as to lessen the burden on Byleth.

Dimitri took on as many of Byleth's queenly duties as he could, and Ingrid filled in as a proxy for Byleth wherever and whenever her presence was required. Meanwhile, Byleth spent the majority of her fourth pregnancy on bed rest.

The timing of the fourth pregnancy coincided with Sylvain and Felix's visit to Fhirdiad. Officially, they were in Fhirdiad to discuss more advanced education for commoner children but Sylvain, Felix, and Dimitri all knew they were really just here to see Byleth.

"How many rules do you think we're breaking, entering the private bedchamber of the Holy Queen of Faerghus and the Archbishop of Seiros?" Sylvain joked, though a tightness in his eyes gave away his true concern for Byleth.

"Well the Boar King has already broken tradition by technically marrying a commoner and keeping a shared bedchamber with his queen," Felix smirked at Dimitri. Like Sylvain, Felix's quips were only a cover for his genuine concern.

"I wish I could share my bedchamber," Sylvain mused. "I didn't think Dimitri had it in him! Too bad my lover lives all the way in Fraldarius, though. Must be great to wake up to your lover every morning." Sylvain wriggled his eyebrows suggestively at Felix.

"Ugh. You crass beast," Felix responded by smacking the back of Sylvain's head just hard enough to make his point. "If you thought with your big head instead of your little head for once you would know exactly why I can't just move to Gautier."

"Hey! You didn't think it was that little last night!"

Albeit strained, Dimitri still smiled as he watched his childhood friends, former classmates, and invaluable wartime allies squabble beside him. "I see your relationship is as strong as ever," Dimitri quipped dryly.

"Shut up," Felix muttered, though his words were muffled by Sylvain's shoulder.

Sylvain had pulled Felix into a tight embrace, further mussing up his hair. "Don't mind Feli-Feli," Sylvain cooed as he half dragged Felix down the hall, "He just missed his morning sugar. You know, me," Sylvain clarified, as though he had not been obvious enough. Dimitri laughed as Sylvain emphasized his point with a wink.

Felix swore as Sylvain placed a very loud and very wet kiss on his forehead, though Felix made no move to wipe his face afterwards.

For Dimitri, Sylvain and Felix's banter was a welcome distraction from the seriousness of Byleth's predicament. As soon as Dimitri opened the door to his bedchamber, Sylvain and Felix both froze at how weak Byleth appeared. Her skin was pallid and, other than her protruding midsection, she was little more than skin and bones.

"Hello, Beloved," Dimitri said with a gentle smile, having gone immediately to sit at the foot of their shared bed. He gathered Byleth's feet in his lap and began to massage them. "Sylvain and Felix are here."

"How lovely," Byleth smiled weakly. She pushed herself up from the bed as best she could so she could greet Sylvain and Felix. Dimitri reached over to support her back as she sat up. "Hello Sylvain, Felix, "Byleth greet softly. "It is good to see you both. I apologize for the circumstances. This really isn't a very proper setting for a Queen of Faerghus to be entertaining guests now, is it?" She chuckled self-deprecatingly.

"No," Felix recovered first and spoke quickly before Sylvain could stuff his foot in his mouth. "But anything that would drive those old nobles who refuse to accept common sense is usually the right thing to do."

Byleth laughed in response and Dimitri brightened up at finally seeing his wife so happy.

Upon reaching the sixth moon of her fourth pregnancy, Dimitri and Byleth finally began discussing names.

"If we have a boy, I think it would be nice to name him after Rodrigue," Dimitri said pensively. He was reclined in bed, back against the headboard, while Byleth rested between his legs. Her back pressed up against Dimitri's chest and he gently massaged her shoulders, loosening her muscles to help her relax. "I did not ever truly thank him for all he did for me," Dimitri continued, "For acting as a surrogate father, for his loyalty, and I took advantage of his dedication until he died for me. There is much I am indebted to him for, and it is a debt I will never be able to repay. He helped pull me away from the ghosts of my past and I wish to honour him."

Byleth agreed, "That is a lovely thing to do. But I would like to honour Dedue as well. Is Rodrigue Molinaro an agreeable name to you, Dimitri?"

"Rodrigue Molinaro Blaiddyd," Dimitri murmured appreciatively. His hands stopped massaging Byleth's shoulders, instead running down her arms until they intertwined with her hands. He reached around, resting both his and Byleth's hands on her bump. "Rodrigue Molinaro Blaiddyd," Dimitri said again, "I love it. It will be an excellent name for a son. But what of a daughter?"

"Hmm," Byleth hummed. She tilted her head back so that it was resting against Dimitri's shoulder. "I have no preferences. Though I would like to honour Mercedes for all she's done for us, especially in recent moons."

"I quite like the name Leanna. My father once told me old fairy tales of Faerghus when I was young and I quite liked the character Leanna. She was the sneaky counterpart in the adventures of Loog. Would Leanna Mercedes Blaiddyd be agreeable to you, my beloved?" With their hands still connected, Dimitri gently stroked Byleth's belly. He grinned when he felt the baby kick in response to his ministrations.

Byleth shifted her body and turned slightly so that Dimitri could see the smile on her face. "Very much so, my King." She tilted her head up and laid a kiss against Dimitri's jawline. "Very much so."

But, just mere days after Felix and Sylvain's visit, mere days after they had chosen a name for their child, Byleth went into premature labour.

Having wanted to account for any possible event, Mercedes had sent for Manuela and even Rhea herself as soon as Byleth's pregnancy had been confirmed. Yet, even with all their preparation and Byleth's care, there was nothing to be done for the child.

Once again, Dimitri was adamant that he remain at Byleth's side. He held her hand all throughout the thirteen hours of labour. He raised a glass of water to her lips periodically, wiped her face and her tears with a damp cloth, held Byleth's nightgown out of the way when Mercedes or Manuela or Rhea so requested, and he murmured reassuring words but there was nothing he could do as he watched his wife give birth to a dead daughter after thirteen hours of pain and suffering.

Byleth was bedridden for another two weeks after the delivery as she had hemorrhaged during labour and Mercedes wanted to be overly cautious. As such, she wasn't able to join Dimitri when he buried their stillborn daughter and set up the little stone engraved with "Leanna Mercedes Blaiddyd".

Nor did she accompany Dedue in planting flowers for her dead daughter. This time, too deep in her own grief, Byleth did not even select the flowers and she could not bring herself to visit her dead daughter's grave.

She remained in bed, trapped in the very room where she had lost her daughter. Leanna Mercedes Blaiddyd was not Byleth's first failed pregnancy, but Leanna Mercedes Blaiddyd was the first of her dead children whom Byleth shed tears for. Dimitri shared Byleth's grief but there was nothing he could do.

(And Byleth knew better than to use the divine pulse when it wouldn't erase the hurt she was feeling from losing her daughter, and when she knew that her daughter could just die again and she did not have the strength to feel her child die inside her a second time.)

The fifth pregnancy was comparatively uneventful. Byleth conceived her fifth child out of a growing desperation to carry a child to term despite Mercedes' and Dimitri's concerns over Byleth's declining health. Yet, Byleth still conceived. Not entirely unsurprisingly, Byleth then miscarried the baby two moons later.

Still melancholic from the stillborn Leanna several moons earlier, Byleth was fairly numb to her most recent miscarriage. However, her succession of failed pregnancies was beginning to give rise to malicious rumours.

Byleth first learned of such rumours when she overheard the conversation between a maid and a serving boy around the corner.

"Really," the serving boy said snottily, "his majesty should get himself a new wife by now. It's not like he'd be throwing the Queen to the wolves. She's the Archbishop of Seiros, for the Goddess' sake. She doesn't need to also be the queen. Shouldn't she be at Garreg Mach anyway? Especially since she's useless at providing heirs."

"I hate that his majesty needs to suffer with such a useless wife. What good at noblewomen other than having children? It's not like they know how to work," the maid said.

A second maid piped up then. "But Her Grace isn't a noble. She was a mercenary. I don't think she should get to be the Queen and Archbishop. The Goddess deserves an Archbishop who is truly devoted to her."

"At the very least," the first servant boy spoke again, "his majesty should take a mistress who can actually provide an heir."

Stung, Byleth didn't hear what was said afterwards. She headed straight for Dimitri's office, accidentally alerting the maids and servant boy to her presence. Though the look on their faces at having been caught gossiping by the Queen of Faerghus and Archbishop of Seiros herself was priceless, Byleth did not get the opportunity to enjoy it.

Before Dimitri's office door, Byleth took a deep breath. Steadying her nerves, she knocked.

"Come in!" called Dimitri's voice through the heavy oak door.

Seeing Byleth enter the room, Dimitri immediately brightened. He stood from his desk, abandoning his mining reports, to greet Byleth.

His face fell immediately after seeing Byleth's expression, his joy replaced by concern. "My beloved, what is wrong? Are you unwell?"

"Dimitri," Byleth's voice broke as she stumbled in Dimitri's arms. Despite her emotional turmoil, the weight of Dimitri's thick fur cloak wrapping around her was as calming as ever.

With her face buried in Dimitri's cloak, Byleth couldn't see Dedue. But, she heard Dedue say "I will take my leave, your majesty. I shall be in the garden."

Although she didn't hear Dimitri's response, Byleth let out a sob at the mention of the garden. She had yet to visit her last two children and couldn't bring herself to face her failure.

Once the door had closed behind Dedue, Dimitri gently guided Byleth towards the couch. The fire had been lit by Dedue earlier so the sparks crackled in the background as Byleth fought to regain control over herself. Dimitri said nothing. He simply held her in his arms and gave her a reassuring smile as he waited for Byleth to speak first.

"I…" Byleth spoke so softly that it was almost a whisper. "I love you, Dimitri."

"And I love you too, Byleth," Dimitri responded without hesitation. Byleth didn't immediately continue, but Dimitri patiently waited for her to continue.

"I love you," Byleth said again, voice stronger now, "but I know I am not the best queen for you."

Dimitri's eyebrows rose in shock. "Why would you say that, my love?"

"I…" Byleth dropped her gaze as her eyes began to fill with tears. "I failed to give you an heir. But you need an heir. And I would understand if you wanted an annulment or if you wished to take a mistress so you could have an heir."

"Byleth, what brought this on?" Dimitri knew Byleth's question and current vulnerability was not due to a lack of love on her part, but was a consequence of her string of consecutive miscarriages in such close succession. Despite her best attempts to appear otherwise, Dimitri knew that the loss of each subsequent child was taking its toll on Byleth both physically and emotionally. But, Dimitri also knew that Byleth would not consider such extreme measures, even in such a vulnerable state, without someone else having said something.

Byleth sniffed, burrowing herself even deeper in Dimitri's cloak. "I overheard some of the servants and maids speaking. They think I am a failure as a queen. Nearly three years of marriage but still no heir."

"Byleth…" Dimitri reached over to tilt Byleth's face so she was looking at him. "I don't care about an heir." He could see the mixture of uncertainty and disbelief spelled out on Byleth's face so he continued, "Byleth, you are my love, my beloved queen, and I need you to listen carefully, alright? For you, I speak nothing but my honest truth. Will you listen to me? Believe me?"

"But…" Byleth's protest drifted off when she saw the look Dimitri was giving her. Instead, she nodded.

"My love, you know that I would do almost anything for Faerghus - for my people." Dimitri paused to gently cup Byleth's face in both his bare hands. "But there is no question that you will always come first. Byleth, there would be no Kingdom of Faerghus without you by my side. My Queen, I have lost so much already. My father, stepmother, Glenn, Rodrigue, and even Dedue for those few long years. You saved me from myself then, saved me from my ghosts, and I am forever in your debt for that. But Byleth, "Dimitri's eyes began to water, "I do not believe I would be able to ever recover from losing you. Without you, I fear I would lose myself to my ghosts permanently. I would lose myself to someplace so far that I would truly be beyond saving.

"I would love to have a house full of children. Children with my hair and your eyes, children with my nose and your strength, all running around the palace causing trouble for their tutors and maids and wreaking havoc upon the training grounds. But I would never, could never, choose them over you. I want no child, unless it is yours, and I would not protest if you wanted to give up on having children. My beloved, it is hard enough for me to watch you suffer with each child and I cannot imagine how much more difficult it must be for you to feel each child dying inside you.

"In the end, no matter how much I wish for children of my own, I wish to have you by my side for as long as I can. It is selfish of me, but I will choose you first. Byleth, I do not know what I would do if you were to pass while giving birth to my child but I know that I will never stop blaming myself for causing your death. Watching you destroy your health for me, for the hope of a child, I cannot bear to watch it for much longer." Dimitri paused, tears leaking from his eyes. With her own tear tracks mirrored on her face, Byleth reached out and wiped Dimitri's tears from his cheeks.

Dimitri took a deep breath before continuing. "I want a child but I need you, Byleth. Please, I will give you all the children I possibly can if that is what you so desire. But please stop pushing yourself for me. We are young and healthy, and this is peacetime. Please, my love, I will beg of you to recover your health fully first. Please, do not join the ranks of the ghosts of those whom I failed. I love you, with or without a child, and I want nothing more than to see you happy and healthy once more.

"You are not a failure as queen." Dimitri said, wiping Byleth's tears from her cheeks. "You are a wonderful queen and your job is not solely to provide an heir. You have done much in rebuilding Fodlan and renegotiating treaties. None of the peace and wealth Fodlan enjoys today would be here without you. You have reinspired faith in the Church, you are a wonderful teacher and exemplary leader, and the best wife and life partner I could have asked for. You are a wonderful Queen and Archbishop for the people of Fodlan and those who cannot recognize that are fools."

Byleth didn't conceive again for another year. By no means was her sixth pregnancy easy, but it was nothing compared to the nightmare that was her fourth. She suffering morning sickness and fainting spells her first trimester which gave way to odd food cravings in her second trimester, all of which finally gave way to swollen feet and a chronic ache in her neck and back for the last months of her pregnancy.

But, Byleth carried this child to term and all of Fodlan was shivering with anticipation for the latest news from the Royal Palace.

"To the good people of Faerghus and of all Fodlan," Dedue and Ingrid stood on the palace balcony that was used for important announcements. "On behalf of his majesty, King Dimitri, and her grace, Queen and Archbishop Byleth, I would like to announce this joyous occasion of the birth of the Crown Prince, his highness Prince Rodrigue Molinaro Blaiddyd, first in line to the throne of the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus."

Ingrid continued, "The Goddess has blessed us for both mother and son are alive and in good health. We welcome all to join the Lady Mercedes von Martritz in the Royal Garden this evening in prayer for the continued good health of mother and son, as well as his majesty King Dimitri."

Later, when baby Rodrigue finally settled for a nap, Byleth looked at Dimitri who was sprawled out next to her. Despite her clear exhaustion, Byleth was still relishing in the glow that only a new mother has. Dried tear tracks still stained her cheeks. They were remnants of tears of both pain and joy.

"Hey," Byleth said softly so as to catch the attention of Dimitri without waking her newborn son, "we did pretty good, didn't we?"

"Yes," Dimitri smiled, cradling baby Rodrigue's tiny foot between his fingers. He pushed himself up to support his weight on his elbows and kissed baby Rodrigue's nose before leaning up to place a chaste kiss on Byleth's lips.

"You did perfect."


End file.
